Oh Baby!

So I’m having this, insecurity with H. I figured, I have to correct things before it gets worst.

Last Friday I found a folder full with old photos with lovers, family and friends saved in my pc. I have been using laptop a lot I’ve forgotten all about my pc [poor pc… sorry]. So I got all excited looking back at those photos… those times when I was a bit younger [hehehe]… when people were so into camera phone and digital camera became the new trend of must-have-gadget.

I looked back at my hairstyles. The blonde and highlights time. My fashion changed from wearing sneakers to high heels back to flip flops. Club photos when I was still energetic to club every night with my girlfriends. My family photos, especially looking at how my baby brother had grown a lot now. Back to college time when I was still doing my Diploma… being the only Malay bitch in school. Hahaha. Memories………

And I got excited again, to show H those photos of me back then.

I carefully selected those photos. I tried not to include those photos of me and J but I realized that it was very very very impossible to do so as J appeared in almost all of the photos. I was dating him for soooo long, of course he’d be there! So I chose those photos with J far away from me, eventho he was still in it. I didn’t wanna hurt H feelings.

H looked at it.

Gave comments.

And turned away when its not even finished yet.

He suddenly acted weird. He was mad but kept it to himself. So whats wrong honey? Did I pissed u?

He said, he’s not interested in my past. He doesn’t want to know.

I took this chance to fix everything. I forced him to talk over this matter, and everything else. He avoided the conversation. I kept forcing him again and again and again until he wants to talk. So we talked.

Apparently H is not over J…. or in other way, he thinks I’m still not over J. He thinks I still love J. He thinks I’m still in touch with J, that I haven’t moved on and I will never forget J.

Kiss.my.ass.

This is ridiculous. I wouldn’t do so many things, wasted all my time and effort just to make H happy everyday if I’m still looking back at my relationship with J. I know I can just go back to J anytime, I know J is still waiting for me despite everything that happened between us.

H thought I want to CHANGE HIM INTO J. that I was on this turn-you-into-him mission. Blah. Aku kalau nak kat mamat tu lagi dah lame aku tinggalkan kau. I mean, I can’t deny that J is way much better than H. that’s because he’d known me for soooo long. 3 years ain’t nothing comparing to my 5 months with u baby. But u are special urself. U are different from J. u annoy me all the time but that’s what I like about u. J understands me. But he started with knowing nothing about me. He learned. He observed. And the long period helped a lot. So if someone can do that, why can’t he? Eventually he’ll understand me better, know me better in future. its just a matter of time.

We argued a lot. He told me what he thinks and I defend all the time. It was fucking hurtful. Things that he said was very heartbreaking but I love him so much I wouldn’t want to lose him. And I’m happy to hear that he loves too, hearing things that he’s thankful to have me and the feelings he has in me.

We talked over everything. Including all the things in my previous post. We settled things but again, just a matter of time. I can’t expect him to that perfect when I’ve only known him for few months.

I really really hope that my relationship with him will be just as long as it will be, beautiful and loveable. I’m really into him. He’s the reason I changed a lot comparing to my past relationship. I never thought that I could really change. H opened my heart to a new beginning of honest and LOYAL relationship. Love you.

Thennnn we watched Marley and Me. Just when my eyes were about to dry up, I cried again… like hell. Babi cerita tu sedih gila siotttt!! I want a clearance puppy too! They named their dog over Bob Marley, I want to name my cat over Britney Spears. I should have done that in the first place! Nvm, LV, please beranak somemore!