Why Is This Happening??

right after i blogged about my happy relationship with h, watched movie and slept over his house... suddenly we encountered an argument about things we can't even argue about and now i see everything falling apart between both of us. as if some of u who read about my blog decided that i shouldn't be happy with my love life and therefore u cast some blackmagic towards us right away. hmmp.

i am so depressed. i feel like shit and i hate feeling like fucking shit. i hate this shit. this shit is not even some shitty things i could shit about. i dont know what this shit is all about.

after the movie, i was about to sleep when... out of no where... he said he was really pissed off at me because of my previous relationship. my past. (fyi, the movie we watched had nothing to do with relationship, love n such. its a movie about DRUGS).

he's mad at me because my ex was at langkawi during new year. because i told him about my ex a lot before this. because my ex lives nearby. because my ex is in the same circle of friends with us. because my ex had a long relationship with me. because he knows how my ex looks like. because my ex is everywhere. because friends talk about my ex.

i did nothing wrong and suddenly i was blamed for my past relationship. is it the Guys Mood Swing season now? in the morning he sent me a lovey dovey text message n just like that, he could burst about something out of nowhere later that night. goshhhh. sumpah tak paham.

i was apologizing all the time even tho i didnt do anything wrong. y did i apologize? no idea. its my past and its not like i could go back and erase that part of my life's history. i would if i could. i was begging, not knowing y. i tried everything to convince him about our relationship and did my best to prevent him from becoming more angry. i have tried. til now. like crazy. and im going crazy.

i love my bf very very much. i haven't done things im surprised i did just for him. if this is a case of me doing something wrong to him when i'm still in this relationship, i can accept this. but no. i didnt do anything to him. i didnt cheat or lie to him. in this matter, my relationship with my ex was reaaalllyyy longgg time ago when i didnt even know my bf now. so how could my past be a problem to our relationship now?

he said its not about me. its about him. he's been keeping it for so long that sometimes it goes away but sometimes it comes back.

i gave him time n space so he could deal with this matter himself since i can't do anything about it. i really can't. when he says things to me about my past, i dont know what to do. i cant do anything to stop it about what he thinks and if he thinks about it. i cant do anything. i cant fight. im clueless.

and im depressed. eventho we're still in contact with each other everyday since that night... it really feels different because its unsettled. everything's changed. there's a distance between us.

i really want to kill my ex. but that wont change anything.

help.