scared

last sunday h's mom organized a kenduri kesyukuran at their home. of course, i was invited and i attended the kenduri. nervous i was, right. i thought it's just a small makan2 thingy but surprisingly, they put up 2 big tents and with the catering and stuff.

okay, when i went there... my mind was like, be nice to the mother.. that's it. i've had a bad experience with my ex's mother so i dont want to screw thing up this time. i mean, i should be nice to the mother right? who else?

it's so unfortunate that i came there all exhausted (because of n's bachelorette party). i didnt have a good rest since i slept for just 2 hours that night. so i managed to pull myself together and be as cheerful as i am... and just be me.

helped h's mother a bit but honestly, i am a spoiled child. i barely help my parents do anything at home so i was a bit clueless of what to do. it was all good til the moment his relatives came to the house. i was like a "co-host". i had to greet and welcome every guest who came and was introduced to all the relatives. no, im not really comfortable with that. i have this low self esteem thingy when it comes to my boyfriend's family and putting the relatives on top of it?... i seriously do not know how i should react.

i became speechless and i have turned into a girl who barely speaks. i'm like a total idiot. like, whenever they were talking about something.. jokes and stuff... i just stayed silence like that. nope. not even a word.

so at the end, i've decided to drag h to the tv area and watched tv with him instead. not helping the mother, not mingling with his relatives.. nope. i was exhausted and i couldnt handle the situation.

so im starting to think that... maybe, im just not ready to get married. our engagement plan that's supposed to be end of this year... it just has to wait. i cant do it because i'm scared. so maybe when the time comes... we can proceed with the plan :)

tomorrow i gotta go pull out my teeth. 4 teeth! i dont know if i will survive it. my appoinment was today actually but i was so scared i couldnt go to the dentist. i pushed it to tomorrow instead. sigh. how can i wear braces like this? i dont even dare to get my teeth pulled out like that.